just because…
Just because I am dramatic at time with certain things doesn’t mean I don’t know what I am talking about. I love having worthwhile conversations with people; the conversations that challenge me and make me think. Be that person, prove me wrong. People often assume that I am a certain way, but 99.9% of the time they are way off and I don’t tell them. I put up walls because I know exactly what I want and I refuse to let weak and insecure words and actions knock those down. But sometime they do because people don’t think before they speak or realize what they do. I laugh a lot…even if I don’t get the joke…ill still laugh. People’s laugh makes me laugh. I hold such high expectations for myself that I have to be told it is OK to fail every once in a while. My flaws will never be touched and if anyone tries to fix them they’re gone. Karma is ridiculous, and I couldn't’t believe in it more. The golden rule will always and forever be my key to happiness. Treat others the way you want to be treated. You are who you surround yourself with. Allow room for change and let people inspire you. I am simply infatuated with the idea of love and the concept of spending your life with one person who loves every single thing about you. I want something real, something that is distracting and keeps me talking. I’m pretty positive that I have that now. I don’t want someone to figure me out before I do. I am in the process of narrowing down my ideas and morals and which ones bring out the best in me, and benefit other people. That is a task I struggle with often. I act mad only when I want to be left alone, not for attention. That is often misinterpreted by others. Passive aggressiveness is not a sign of weakness & it is a defense mechanism (more often than not) only partly conscious. I wish more people would say how they honestly feel and stop hiding. So many people pass up moments, good moments, moments that could change their life because they’re afraid of rejection. Regret is a disgusting feeling. Too many people worry about what people think …I am guilty. Change and conformity is scary as heck. I get nervous thinking about the future. It is hard to not stress over something you have no control over because I always want to be in control. One action, one word, can change everything. Scary right? Be kind to everyone, you wouldn’t believe how good people are at hiding things…I am guilty again. I only wish to be respected by the people I care about the most. I hate it when I am not taken seriously because of my age. I believe age is just a number. You have to give respect to be respected. I catch myself judging a lot, and that is one thing I can’t stand about myself. I only like spending time with people who better me as a person. As much as I complain sometimes that you’re being completely stupid & dumb it is just me being dramatic. I am the girl who gives homeless people money; even if I know they will spend it on alcohol it won’t stop me. I’ll probably end up spending that same cash on something I don’t really need. I have always enjoyed the simplicities of life but I let the littlest things get the best of me. I end up over analyzing EVERYTHING, just because I want to feel something. Most of the time I am in sweats or a t-shirt and jeans and my hair…well we won’t go there. I want to know and be sure that I can survive without a man, and I have. I did well at being independent. But I like being with someone & asking them about there day & taking care of them and vise versa. I know I will make the best mother and wife because that is truly what I have always wanted to be when I grow up & working with kids. Children are my passion. And my wedding…is going to be the greatest day of my life. I enjoy spending my free time writing it helps me clear my mind & get a hold of my thoughts & emotions better; it’s me and my pen & paper. I love being different and not following crowds. I get caught up in the real world a lot but something always pulls me back to ground level where I see clearly; God. The power of prayer is my life saver. If I care about you a lot expect your happiness to come before mine, and don’t get upset with me if you realize it.
I have been in love and it is the greatest feeling a person could ever feel but not in true love. & just because the feeling went away doesn’t mean you won’t feel it again. now I know what it is & the true meaning of it! Hurting & abusing someone is not LOVE!
I want to live in ….New York City…. and write for a newspaper or magazine or be in fashion.
I absolutely hate sunscreen and wish that it wasn’t that big of deal. I rarely rarely burn; I’m a tan girl when I want to be. & I have so many opinions and outlooks on life that some people may not understand.
I care more about my family more than anyone in the world. No matter how many times they hurt me or break me I will continue to be there for them. To the ones who have walked in and KEPT the faith thank you. I believe in love, the stomach-fluttering-nervous-over-the-stars kind of love. I believe in true love. I believe everyone has a soul mate. Those who are bitter and jaded drive me crazy….we all have heartbreaks, some more than others, but we all survive them.
I don’t like being in front of large crowds; but I love being apart of large crowds. It’s crazy because I have spoken at a few conferences. I know how to laugh at myself and that is a trait I will take with me for the rest of my life.
I have high expectations for my wedding, the proposal and the marriage itself. I won’t settle until I have the slightest clue that “he” could offer that. I would much rather give than receive. If I like you you’ll just know. If I love you I will fight for you. I will forever remain loyal and faithful to those who have stayed loyal and faithful to me. When I love… I deeply love.
My favorite snack to eat is Peanut Butter & Jelly or cheezits. I try to eat healthy but sometimes I just have to splurge on chocolate or Starbucks.
I want to see New York and Greece, Italy, Japan & England. Nothing compares to a beach or ocean. Whether it’s in California or the Virgin Islands…nothing…ever…compares. I couldn't be more addicted to anything that I am with Coffee….STARBUCKS….Tea….Resses… I need help.
I do believe everything happens for a reason… I KNOW that everything happens for a reason. I believe money is just paper; but somehow it is my biggest stressor.
I would live in ….Seattle…. just because of the rain. I don’t own an umbrella or rain boots. I have more respect for people in the military (because I’ve lived that life) than any single mom or struggling individual. For someone to risk their life EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for their country and expect nothing in return is the definition of a true hero.
I am strong in my faith and I know that no matter how many times I mess up, God will still be there. All of my tattoos have meanings that only my Mom knows about. I don’t believe in perfection but I think that there are possibilities to be perfect in your own way I have so many dreams about my future that people laugh in my face because they are so far fetched. They will all come true….. ha ha people…..
I have a song for every mood, every person, every situation, every relationship, every second, every run, and every day.. It is truly impossible to see eye to eye with anyone. Trying to impress someone is the stupidest and the hardest thing in the world. First dates are the scariest and the most nervous feeling in the world. Listen to country music. Actually listen and read the lyrics. .
Wake up everyday with a goal. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. I am scared sometimes for people to see all the different sides of me and how I handle every situation. I want to feel the feeling of skydiving; but I will never skydive. I think babies are the most beautiful thing on this entire planet, along with roses. The first guy who brings me yellow or pink roses will have my heart forever. They can survive in any season with the right amount of care…..that’s love.
Don’t be a coward. I will always stand up for myself but sometimes saying nothing and walking away is the best way to do that. People think I’m predictable but their assumptions about me are usually way off. I’m very unpredictable. Compliment people and don’t expect one back.
I would consider being a photographer. Photography is absolutely gorgeous to me. My mom is still the strongest woman I have ever met; and not just because she is my mom but because of how she handles every situation. I love how every church service speaks to me; somehow it is always what I need to hear. Believe in blind faith…if you don’t know what that is then don’t try to understand it. Watch how things unfold around you & you’ll see.
Don’t stress. I need to practice what I preach. If we all practiced what we preached our world would be perfect.
Know a little bit of every language just for the heck of it. Te quiero,Je t’aime, Kimi o ai shiteru, Te amo, (it means I love you in Spanish, French, Japanese and Latin) && most of all enjoy life. Write, work, ski, hike, run, read, swim… whatever makes you happy; don’t wait for someone to give you that golden dream go out and get yourself .
p.s. if you don't know how to survive alone…you will never survive anything. Stay as independent and strong as humanly possible.
xxox smooches!
Sep 25, 2009
Sep 15, 2009
bumps & bends
So... amongst the other things going on in my life, I've come face to face with some big ugly
truths that are somewhat hard to swallow. So for those of you who read my blog,my blog is my outlet for all my "blah-ness" and my "yippee-skippy-golly-gee-whiz-super duperness" to come through.remember my blog isn't my life..its my tool.
Lately I've been thinking about timing. Timing of birth, of death,life and this time in our lives now, where we are and where we will be. I think a lot of things determine how someone grieves, from personality, relationship to the deceased, social supports you have, and previous experience with loss. But the one thing I think that defines it all is timing. This is particularly important I think when the person you lose is your child. I sometimes wonder if this process would be easier, maybe I wouldn't feel like I was so cheated out of so many things , maybe I wouldn't hurt as bad. But then I realized that it's just not true. The loss of a child at any age brings different circumstances, but the pain of that loss is the same.
truths that are somewhat hard to swallow. So for those of you who read my blog,my blog is my outlet for all my "blah-ness" and my "yippee-skippy-golly-gee-whiz-super duperness" to come through.remember my blog isn't my life..its my tool.
Lately I've been thinking about timing. Timing of birth, of death,life and this time in our lives now, where we are and where we will be. I think a lot of things determine how someone grieves, from personality, relationship to the deceased, social supports you have, and previous experience with loss. But the one thing I think that defines it all is timing. This is particularly important I think when the person you lose is your child. I sometimes wonder if this process would be easier, maybe I wouldn't feel like I was so cheated out of so many things , maybe I wouldn't hurt as bad. But then I realized that it's just not true. The loss of a child at any age brings different circumstances, but the pain of that loss is the same.
I've been soo sad and angry lately.Angry for him not being there,angry at God for taking my
baby, angry at people who take their loved ones for granted, angry at anyone who has what I wanted to have. It's not rational anger, and its misdirected i know, but i cant help it. I guess during times like this you either come together, or push people away.
I swear Matthew is getting so frustrated with me & I'm annoying him. I mean we have this great connection, we know each other so well & know what the other is going to say. We are one person sometimes,seriously we could be. But HE knows something is wrong and upsetting me.He knows me too well(its crazy how well he knows me).I haven't slept in like what 4-5 days and everything anyone says to be i take offense to.Matthew told me late night, "Ladybug, i don't like seeing you upset & crying yourself to sleep. it upsets me to see you hurting.its not about me, but your important to me & i want to be there. tell me whats wrong and we can talk about it and work it out together & if not with me,talk with mom(his) maybe she can help". Yeah, see why this guy has my heart & i love him to pieces, you would too!! My mama thinks Matthew and I were fighting but then she realized whats up. Matthew tells his mama, He'll never understand girls,i laugh.
But I cant be this happy,strong person that people want me to be somethings. I have a heart, and its in a million pieces right now.It all started when my cousin had to have test because her and her husband our moving to Germany(military).She found out more babies aren't
possible.then my selfish niece aborting hers,makes me sick. And even though life goes on, for
me its standing still right now. Everyday is that date!
Explaining grief is so hard, because it's not just about missing the person you lost. When a
loved one dies, and especially a child, you find yourself questioning every thing in your life,
and you play that day in your head over and over again, wishing you could change one little
detail that might possibly change the outcome. Why my baby? Why me? why couldn't i do anything? is there something I should have known,should have seen,should have done? if God gave me this special gift,why'd he change his mind? How am I ever suppose to forget that afternoon, the last memory I have? How can I get up every morning and not let the whole in my heart break me down? I don't know how I've gotten through it for this long.You feel so helpless, so hopeless, like just giving up. All of your hopes and dreams for your child are gone, and you never get to know the person they would have grown up to be. Life is forever changed. Your no longer are a person blissfully unaware of death, it is always on your mind. You live in constant fear of what else can be taken away from you.....
I have realized, only very recently, that holding onto the pain of loss, it wont change what happened.Every time I hear a baby, I think. Last night Matthew & I were looking though pictures of his new cousin Cody,I tired "OH so hard" to not show him my tears( he didn't see them). Every time I'm in Sac, I'm like mush when I'm around my nephew Nozmo.Matthew jokes with me" He(Nozmo) is his competition". It's cute when he says it, he laughs, I laugh. I see Him watching me when I'm interacting with my nephew.My "mommy" instinct kicks in and when Alisha(his mommy) is busy, it's auntie to his side. Matthew just watches me and gets a kick out of it. He's mentions it comes to his mind now and again when I'm with Nozmo, why I act like I do. He makes me laugh when he ask me how I know what to do. It's the 'mommy-ness". And its so adorable. Nozmo just stares at Matthew the moments he walks in the door.I'll sit next to Matthew with Nozmo is my arms. Nozmo stares at Him and pulls at his shirt,his hands and phone. He hold Matthew's fingers an wont let go. Matthew is "Uncle Matthew" now. I told him he is getting practice in for when Sarah & Andrew have munchkins and when He has munchkins (LOL). He'll be a pro, he has already been christened with babieness, thanks to Nozmo.
I've learned letting go does not mean forgetting. It means finding meaning. After losing a child, it is extremely hard to do.I ask you to ask yourself, how would you deal with the loss of a baby, or of one of your children? How would your significant other handle it? What would you learn about yourself?
I don't want pity, just understanding. And I am so blessed to have amazing friends and family who have been so supportive,and most importantly God.My faith in God is stronger then ever, I know He is a faithful God & wouldn't put us through anything we couldn't handle.And I simply choose to believe in God's grace.
So, from now on, through all the bumps and bends in the road, it will be my goal to start to let go of the pain. I know there will be many moments that will test my optimism, but, I must make that first step.
smooches, xoxo
(ps. all the emotions & why I wrote this, it'll be one year in a few weeks)
baby, angry at people who take their loved ones for granted, angry at anyone who has what I wanted to have. It's not rational anger, and its misdirected i know, but i cant help it. I guess during times like this you either come together, or push people away.
I swear Matthew is getting so frustrated with me & I'm annoying him. I mean we have this great connection, we know each other so well & know what the other is going to say. We are one person sometimes,seriously we could be. But HE knows something is wrong and upsetting me.He knows me too well(its crazy how well he knows me).I haven't slept in like what 4-5 days and everything anyone says to be i take offense to.Matthew told me late night, "Ladybug, i don't like seeing you upset & crying yourself to sleep. it upsets me to see you hurting.its not about me, but your important to me & i want to be there. tell me whats wrong and we can talk about it and work it out together & if not with me,talk with mom(his) maybe she can help". Yeah, see why this guy has my heart & i love him to pieces, you would too!! My mama thinks Matthew and I were fighting but then she realized whats up. Matthew tells his mama, He'll never understand girls,i laugh.
But I cant be this happy,strong person that people want me to be somethings. I have a heart, and its in a million pieces right now.It all started when my cousin had to have test because her and her husband our moving to Germany(military).She found out more babies aren't
possible.then my selfish niece aborting hers,makes me sick. And even though life goes on, for
me its standing still right now. Everyday is that date!
Explaining grief is so hard, because it's not just about missing the person you lost. When a
loved one dies, and especially a child, you find yourself questioning every thing in your life,
and you play that day in your head over and over again, wishing you could change one little
detail that might possibly change the outcome. Why my baby? Why me? why couldn't i do anything? is there something I should have known,should have seen,should have done? if God gave me this special gift,why'd he change his mind? How am I ever suppose to forget that afternoon, the last memory I have? How can I get up every morning and not let the whole in my heart break me down? I don't know how I've gotten through it for this long.You feel so helpless, so hopeless, like just giving up. All of your hopes and dreams for your child are gone, and you never get to know the person they would have grown up to be. Life is forever changed. Your no longer are a person blissfully unaware of death, it is always on your mind. You live in constant fear of what else can be taken away from you.....
I have realized, only very recently, that holding onto the pain of loss, it wont change what happened.Every time I hear a baby, I think. Last night Matthew & I were looking though pictures of his new cousin Cody,I tired "OH so hard" to not show him my tears( he didn't see them). Every time I'm in Sac, I'm like mush when I'm around my nephew Nozmo.Matthew jokes with me" He(Nozmo) is his competition". It's cute when he says it, he laughs, I laugh. I see Him watching me when I'm interacting with my nephew.My "mommy" instinct kicks in and when Alisha(his mommy) is busy, it's auntie to his side. Matthew just watches me and gets a kick out of it. He's mentions it comes to his mind now and again when I'm with Nozmo, why I act like I do. He makes me laugh when he ask me how I know what to do. It's the 'mommy-ness". And its so adorable. Nozmo just stares at Matthew the moments he walks in the door.I'll sit next to Matthew with Nozmo is my arms. Nozmo stares at Him and pulls at his shirt,his hands and phone. He hold Matthew's fingers an wont let go. Matthew is "Uncle Matthew" now. I told him he is getting practice in for when Sarah & Andrew have munchkins and when He has munchkins (LOL). He'll be a pro, he has already been christened with babieness, thanks to Nozmo.
I've learned letting go does not mean forgetting. It means finding meaning. After losing a child, it is extremely hard to do.I ask you to ask yourself, how would you deal with the loss of a baby, or of one of your children? How would your significant other handle it? What would you learn about yourself?
I don't want pity, just understanding. And I am so blessed to have amazing friends and family who have been so supportive,and most importantly God.My faith in God is stronger then ever, I know He is a faithful God & wouldn't put us through anything we couldn't handle.And I simply choose to believe in God's grace.
So, from now on, through all the bumps and bends in the road, it will be my goal to start to let go of the pain. I know there will be many moments that will test my optimism, but, I must make that first step.
smooches, xoxo
(ps. all the emotions & why I wrote this, it'll be one year in a few weeks)
Sep 10, 2009
Jump Jump,Im crafty!!
Okay, Okay..I think I like to write! What do you think? Okay, that was me being sarcastic!
Okay so I writing this blog for someone I love dearly & is having a hard time.I'm trying to make a point to them.
Everything is a choice. At least, everything is a choice for humans externally. We cant decide whether the heart falls hard in love, but we can control what we do after the heart fallen. There are some things that react purely on instinct like a mouse or a fly. And there are others that act due to circumstance, and their fate is decided on something larger like fire,rain,or water.
I've always been envious of water. It cant help where it flows. It's simply reacting to what is around itself. Sometimes I find myself sitting in front of a lake or ocean, instead of being in it. Because I feel its so powerful and like me. So instead I sit and watch it react to everything around it.
Some people are grateful for a mind and heart. I can say I'm very happy with it. Its the hardest life you can have for some people. With a cat or dog, they have a one at a time thought process.
Eat.sleep.attention.play.eat.play.attention. A human is quite the opposite.
I miss him so much. my hip hurts. what time is it? 5 minutes okay. why is that woman mean mugging' me? I should look away. She is still starring, awkward. I should answer my phone. wait no, i shouldn't. I'm obsessing about my hip & head. STOP obsessing. whatever I'll just answer my text. Ow,my hip & head, what time is it? my hair wont stay pinned, I really need a bobby pin. I miss him. wait I'm talking to him, what time is it. Ah my hair! See insanely nutty & quite the opposite.
It's like a curse . Why not a tree? That seems much simpler. I think really we are insanely nuts sometimes, and what we don't realize is the person standing next to us at the supermarket is just as nutty as we are. See you think if anyone got into your head they wouldn't understand, that would think you were crazy.But that is the big mistake. They do understand. Because their mind is running just as fast as yours, but in a different way.
It really is true that everything happens for a reason.Our lives are just one, big plan that ultimately completes a person. Sometimes it's hard to believe this theory and sometimes it is hard to understand why something didn't exactly work out the way you had hoped at the time, but if you remind yourself that it's all part of the plan, it helps. At least for me, it does because i truly believe this.
Whether it be a person you hope to date, fall in love with, breaks up with, get cheated on with, someone you meet in a grocery store, the reason you took the left turn instead of right, the reason you got pregnant, the reason you didn't get pregnant.. EVERY single component works in a certain way and directs your life how it is supposed to go. Granted, we all make decisions, but who's to say that those decisions aren't already made for you, as "part of the plan".
In fact life sort of understand itself. We are like the fire because we cant stop going. And the tree,because we live and die. The fact that we build walls for ourselves is just ridiculous. They are going to protect what, getting hurt? but if we are human we will hurt others as well. So ,really ,our best bet is to tear down all walls, put on a helmet and accept the fact that you are like the person next to you at the grocery store. And no matter how much you don't want to relate to the person that has broken your heart or let you fall, you have too. The reality is, we hate those that disappoint us because of how we are similar. They mess up just like you. We have to live with that. We have to live knowing how similar like really is to itself.
People don't force love. It just happens. Let's stop making life so complicated and stressful. Take a step back, breathe and let it go. The sour will help you appreciate the sweet. But don't spend too much time tasting the sour, when the sweet is right around the corner. Learn from your struggles and use it to your advantage. It's really not that bad....
You have to accept that you are alike. Just like I have to jump into the water.
smooches xoxo
Okay so I writing this blog for someone I love dearly & is having a hard time.I'm trying to make a point to them.
Everything is a choice. At least, everything is a choice for humans externally. We cant decide whether the heart falls hard in love, but we can control what we do after the heart fallen. There are some things that react purely on instinct like a mouse or a fly. And there are others that act due to circumstance, and their fate is decided on something larger like fire,rain,or water.
I've always been envious of water. It cant help where it flows. It's simply reacting to what is around itself. Sometimes I find myself sitting in front of a lake or ocean, instead of being in it. Because I feel its so powerful and like me. So instead I sit and watch it react to everything around it.
Some people are grateful for a mind and heart. I can say I'm very happy with it. Its the hardest life you can have for some people. With a cat or dog, they have a one at a time thought process.
Eat.sleep.attention.play.eat.play.attention. A human is quite the opposite.
I miss him so much. my hip hurts. what time is it? 5 minutes okay. why is that woman mean mugging' me? I should look away. She is still starring, awkward. I should answer my phone. wait no, i shouldn't. I'm obsessing about my hip & head. STOP obsessing. whatever I'll just answer my text. Ow,my hip & head, what time is it? my hair wont stay pinned, I really need a bobby pin. I miss him. wait I'm talking to him, what time is it. Ah my hair! See insanely nutty & quite the opposite.
It's like a curse . Why not a tree? That seems much simpler. I think really we are insanely nuts sometimes, and what we don't realize is the person standing next to us at the supermarket is just as nutty as we are. See you think if anyone got into your head they wouldn't understand, that would think you were crazy.But that is the big mistake. They do understand. Because their mind is running just as fast as yours, but in a different way.
It really is true that everything happens for a reason.Our lives are just one, big plan that ultimately completes a person. Sometimes it's hard to believe this theory and sometimes it is hard to understand why something didn't exactly work out the way you had hoped at the time, but if you remind yourself that it's all part of the plan, it helps. At least for me, it does because i truly believe this.
Whether it be a person you hope to date, fall in love with, breaks up with, get cheated on with, someone you meet in a grocery store, the reason you took the left turn instead of right, the reason you got pregnant, the reason you didn't get pregnant.. EVERY single component works in a certain way and directs your life how it is supposed to go. Granted, we all make decisions, but who's to say that those decisions aren't already made for you, as "part of the plan".
In fact life sort of understand itself. We are like the fire because we cant stop going. And the tree,because we live and die. The fact that we build walls for ourselves is just ridiculous. They are going to protect what, getting hurt? but if we are human we will hurt others as well. So ,really ,our best bet is to tear down all walls, put on a helmet and accept the fact that you are like the person next to you at the grocery store. And no matter how much you don't want to relate to the person that has broken your heart or let you fall, you have too. The reality is, we hate those that disappoint us because of how we are similar. They mess up just like you. We have to live with that. We have to live knowing how similar like really is to itself.
People don't force love. It just happens. Let's stop making life so complicated and stressful. Take a step back, breathe and let it go. The sour will help you appreciate the sweet. But don't spend too much time tasting the sour, when the sweet is right around the corner. Learn from your struggles and use it to your advantage. It's really not that bad....
You have to accept that you are alike. Just like I have to jump into the water.
smooches xoxo
Sep 8, 2009
SERIOUSLY!! :-()
I am sitting here trying to think of what to say and where to start.I've noticed that I often type up these blogs at the wee-hours of the morning. Like now, for example; it's 130 in the morning. Here I am, typing a blog.Well, I cant sleep because something happened tonight!
So there's this guy, right? Yeah, y'all know who he is.He's really sweet, and his head's in the right place most of the time. He makes me smile,regardless of how bad my mood is. Our hands fit together perfectly.His smile says more than words ever could.His kisses make my heart melt.He isn't afraid to be dorky.When he holds me, I feel safe.He sees me for who I am.His happiness is contagious.He is easy to talk to.He cares about what I have to say.He is a
strong person.He can turn anything into a joke.He's one of the people who helped me be truly happy.His touch gives me butterflies.I'd rather sit and do nothing with him then do anything with anyone else. Just cuddling on the couch with him is good for me.We make each other laugh & happy and isn't that what life is all about....being able to make someone smile and happy..
BUT-Sometimes my emotions get in the way and my judgement becomes clouded. Sometimes I get mad for the wrong reasons, or even offended.Sometimes I even go on the offense and become a bitch because of the smallest, most insignificant comments or things.I feel bad about it a lot, and sometimes I forget to apologize.
However;what happened tonight I HAD every right to take offense.NO, I wasn't MAD.Sometimes when I'm sick & feel like death I get moody & I don't want you to touch me, kiss me or cuddle with you. YOU KNOW THAT!! YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL!! JUST LIKE I KNOW YOU! I LOVE when you are in town or we are together. YOU take great care of me ,treat me like a PRINCESS & YOUR AMAZING!
BUT, you don't show the person you supposedly love there important to you, by saying something rude & PUSHING them away!! I know you felt bad the moment you done it because you immediately told me to come back & talk about it. OUR RULE IS WE DON'T GO TO BED MAD OR UPSET & WE TALK IT OUT!! BUT GUESS WHAT BABE,WE DID GO TO BED UPSET & CRYING! what the heck, YOUR LEAVING & we wont see each other for two weeks, NOT how I wanted to spend our last night together! I CANT believe you pushed me away & said that. I can't stay mad at you for to long ever,I swear I wanted to scream at you & wanted you to hold me(like you tried to).
i know our relationship isn't perfect. if it was, that's when I'd be worried. of course we argue and disagree and make mistakes...just like EVERY relationship in existence. but that doesn't change the fact that we are completely, madly, deeply stinkingly happy with each other and can't wait to do whatever it takes to have "us" work.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!
When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you. When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard. You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, and the rest is up to the person to realize your worth. It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride. We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we have.
YOU know you're my other half.the only boy that gives me butterflies. We've been through good times and bad times and have always seemed to make it through. I wouldn't trade any of the times we've had for the world. You're someone i can share anything with. Words can't come close to what i feel for you. You has my heart enough said.
Smooches,xoxo
So there's this guy, right? Yeah, y'all know who he is.He's really sweet, and his head's in the right place most of the time. He makes me smile,regardless of how bad my mood is. Our hands fit together perfectly.His smile says more than words ever could.His kisses make my heart melt.He isn't afraid to be dorky.When he holds me, I feel safe.He sees me for who I am.His happiness is contagious.He is easy to talk to.He cares about what I have to say.He is a
strong person.He can turn anything into a joke.He's one of the people who helped me be truly happy.His touch gives me butterflies.I'd rather sit and do nothing with him then do anything with anyone else. Just cuddling on the couch with him is good for me.We make each other laugh & happy and isn't that what life is all about....being able to make someone smile and happy..
BUT-Sometimes my emotions get in the way and my judgement becomes clouded. Sometimes I get mad for the wrong reasons, or even offended.Sometimes I even go on the offense and become a bitch because of the smallest, most insignificant comments or things.I feel bad about it a lot, and sometimes I forget to apologize.
However;what happened tonight I HAD every right to take offense.NO, I wasn't MAD.Sometimes when I'm sick & feel like death I get moody & I don't want you to touch me, kiss me or cuddle with you. YOU KNOW THAT!! YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL!! JUST LIKE I KNOW YOU! I LOVE when you are in town or we are together. YOU take great care of me ,treat me like a PRINCESS & YOUR AMAZING!
BUT, you don't show the person you supposedly love there important to you, by saying something rude & PUSHING them away!! I know you felt bad the moment you done it because you immediately told me to come back & talk about it. OUR RULE IS WE DON'T GO TO BED MAD OR UPSET & WE TALK IT OUT!! BUT GUESS WHAT BABE,WE DID GO TO BED UPSET & CRYING! what the heck, YOUR LEAVING & we wont see each other for two weeks, NOT how I wanted to spend our last night together! I CANT believe you pushed me away & said that. I can't stay mad at you for to long ever,I swear I wanted to scream at you & wanted you to hold me(like you tried to).
i know our relationship isn't perfect. if it was, that's when I'd be worried. of course we argue and disagree and make mistakes...just like EVERY relationship in existence. but that doesn't change the fact that we are completely, madly, deeply stinkingly happy with each other and can't wait to do whatever it takes to have "us" work.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!
When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you. When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard. You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, and the rest is up to the person to realize your worth. It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride. We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we have.
YOU know you're my other half.the only boy that gives me butterflies. We've been through good times and bad times and have always seemed to make it through. I wouldn't trade any of the times we've had for the world. You're someone i can share anything with. Words can't come close to what i feel for you. You has my heart enough said.
Smooches,xoxo
Aug 26, 2009
random thoughts for the umpteenth time
Analyzing is what I do. It's as much a part of me as the color of my eyes, the sound of my voice, the way I walk. It's me, a defining part.
The problem is, it can be a blessing as much as a curse. Over-analyzing can be so, so painful. You find yourself believing the "what ifs" without proof. Without the confirmation beyond your own thoughts and without the verification you need. I argue so much with my head and my heart. Or, well really, it's my head arguing with my heart. I always follow my heart.
Lately, both head and heart have been keeping me awake; that said, I contradict myself.
And here brings the annoying cliché, "Everything happens for a reason." I use it so much to justify or deal with things that are happening.
So many times I've felt like only heartache happens in my life. Cynicism creeps its eerie way back into my brain and nothing seems right. Nothing goes right.I'm young. And I don't know the outcome. I don't think I want to. So many want to know the future, want to know what will happen a year from now. Want to know where they'll be, who they'll be with, what they'll be doing. But, I feel, if we knew the future, we'd only do everything in our power to change it. So then, would the future really be the future? Who knows!
The heartache’s in my life. Maybe they're the best things to ever happen to me.
When I was 10 years old, and my grandpa & daddy died within 2 months of each other; I thought my family was going to crash. My grandpa held the glue to our family. But we all survived and became stronger. When my daddy died, I thought my world was over. It’s been 14 years now and that’s one thing I have never fully dealt with. I mean last year when my uncle died was the second time I’ve been to the cemetery (both times for funerals). My Brother’s were talking and knew I was having a hard time because I refuse to step foot near the cemetery. I mean my brother Chuck lives like what a block from the cemetery & every time I drive past it, I swear I have a break down. I think Matthew things I’m nutty, He’ll drive past it and I get silent & my mood changes. But he knows why and kind of understands. But my brothers said we should go there with my mom and put flowers his grave after the funeral. So the day of the funeral my mom & I went all over town to by red roses.
So… I was going to take the steps and go to the grave. I was completely kidding myself if was going to go… Heck no!! I did. My mom, myself and my four brothers went. I lasted about 3 seconds and lost it. But I find myself wanting to go back for some reason, don’t ask me why!! Matthew said he’d go with me. So we will see.
And then there’s now, loss my child & being sick! Okay the being sick happened in 2007. But I thought is was over until last year when things started acting out & I find myself sicker and sicker.
But losing my child, wow that’s a hit in the heart if I ever seen!! I would never wish that on anyone, EVER!!! It’s a pain you can’t even imagine. I found myself thinking about it more due to the fact my selfish niece as no regard for human life whatsoever and completely stupid. How she is a mother to my beautiful nephew is beyond me! I know that’s mean! So I thought, oh gosh!! What did I do to deserve that? Why is God punishing me? He wasn’t. It’s that whole annoying cliché, "Everything happens for a reason." I’ll never know why it happened, but God knows why it did! I’m strong in my faith and know that it was truly meant for reason that I’ll never know why? I wasn’t ready to be a mommy, or some foreseen thing could have happened. One day, it’ll be the right time. I know for a fact!!
It’s so odd and ironic that something so terrible can bring on something so wonderful. I mean I reconnected with Matthew during that time. God had us reconnect for a reason. Neither of us knew what the reason was. But look at us now! Things are amazing and he is amazing. He’s the best things to happen since finding out I was going to be a mommy! “Everything happens for a reason”!
Heartbreak; its there and it happens. A part of life; so they say. I wonder; so many people I know have been brokenhearted. The world seemed to conspire against them. They say, "Everything is wrong in my life!" They shout curses. Scream incoherent profanities to the heavens (to no one in particular). Their pain, their sadness, a black hole; is pulling them deeper and deeper. Time goes on. And, they heal.
As I sit here thinking of all the things in life that I hold dear. I realize how blessed I am. How blessed I’ve always been. I have a family that loves me and friends that are my back bone. I've always heard you are only as good as your people are. How true this statement is in so many ways. When you feel lost to the world and can't find the words to even send up a simple prayer; I think it's in that moment GOD hears your heart. I'm so grateful for that. I recently have been speechless and silent (and if you know me... that is STRANGE). It's during this time I could only muster up enough personal strength to send a S.O.S up to the ALL MIGHTY, praying that he could hear my heart during this time of solitude. Our God is a faithful God and he wouldn’t put us through anything we couldn’t handle.
I know in confidence that love is all I'll ever need from God, my family and those I hold dear. I will go to my grave knowing that love is the "golden ticket". It's the only thing that can totally complete you.
The problem is, it can be a blessing as much as a curse. Over-analyzing can be so, so painful. You find yourself believing the "what ifs" without proof. Without the confirmation beyond your own thoughts and without the verification you need. I argue so much with my head and my heart. Or, well really, it's my head arguing with my heart. I always follow my heart.
Lately, both head and heart have been keeping me awake; that said, I contradict myself.
And here brings the annoying cliché, "Everything happens for a reason." I use it so much to justify or deal with things that are happening.
So many times I've felt like only heartache happens in my life. Cynicism creeps its eerie way back into my brain and nothing seems right. Nothing goes right.I'm young. And I don't know the outcome. I don't think I want to. So many want to know the future, want to know what will happen a year from now. Want to know where they'll be, who they'll be with, what they'll be doing. But, I feel, if we knew the future, we'd only do everything in our power to change it. So then, would the future really be the future? Who knows!
The heartache’s in my life. Maybe they're the best things to ever happen to me.
When I was 10 years old, and my grandpa & daddy died within 2 months of each other; I thought my family was going to crash. My grandpa held the glue to our family. But we all survived and became stronger. When my daddy died, I thought my world was over. It’s been 14 years now and that’s one thing I have never fully dealt with. I mean last year when my uncle died was the second time I’ve been to the cemetery (both times for funerals). My Brother’s were talking and knew I was having a hard time because I refuse to step foot near the cemetery. I mean my brother Chuck lives like what a block from the cemetery & every time I drive past it, I swear I have a break down. I think Matthew things I’m nutty, He’ll drive past it and I get silent & my mood changes. But he knows why and kind of understands. But my brothers said we should go there with my mom and put flowers his grave after the funeral. So the day of the funeral my mom & I went all over town to by red roses.
So… I was going to take the steps and go to the grave. I was completely kidding myself if was going to go… Heck no!! I did. My mom, myself and my four brothers went. I lasted about 3 seconds and lost it. But I find myself wanting to go back for some reason, don’t ask me why!! Matthew said he’d go with me. So we will see.
And then there’s now, loss my child & being sick! Okay the being sick happened in 2007. But I thought is was over until last year when things started acting out & I find myself sicker and sicker.
But losing my child, wow that’s a hit in the heart if I ever seen!! I would never wish that on anyone, EVER!!! It’s a pain you can’t even imagine. I found myself thinking about it more due to the fact my selfish niece as no regard for human life whatsoever and completely stupid. How she is a mother to my beautiful nephew is beyond me! I know that’s mean! So I thought, oh gosh!! What did I do to deserve that? Why is God punishing me? He wasn’t. It’s that whole annoying cliché, "Everything happens for a reason." I’ll never know why it happened, but God knows why it did! I’m strong in my faith and know that it was truly meant for reason that I’ll never know why? I wasn’t ready to be a mommy, or some foreseen thing could have happened. One day, it’ll be the right time. I know for a fact!!
It’s so odd and ironic that something so terrible can bring on something so wonderful. I mean I reconnected with Matthew during that time. God had us reconnect for a reason. Neither of us knew what the reason was. But look at us now! Things are amazing and he is amazing. He’s the best things to happen since finding out I was going to be a mommy! “Everything happens for a reason”!
Heartbreak; its there and it happens. A part of life; so they say. I wonder; so many people I know have been brokenhearted. The world seemed to conspire against them. They say, "Everything is wrong in my life!" They shout curses. Scream incoherent profanities to the heavens (to no one in particular). Their pain, their sadness, a black hole; is pulling them deeper and deeper. Time goes on. And, they heal.
As I sit here thinking of all the things in life that I hold dear. I realize how blessed I am. How blessed I’ve always been. I have a family that loves me and friends that are my back bone. I've always heard you are only as good as your people are. How true this statement is in so many ways. When you feel lost to the world and can't find the words to even send up a simple prayer; I think it's in that moment GOD hears your heart. I'm so grateful for that. I recently have been speechless and silent (and if you know me... that is STRANGE). It's during this time I could only muster up enough personal strength to send a S.O.S up to the ALL MIGHTY, praying that he could hear my heart during this time of solitude. Our God is a faithful God and he wouldn’t put us through anything we couldn’t handle.
I know in confidence that love is all I'll ever need from God, my family and those I hold dear. I will go to my grave knowing that love is the "golden ticket". It's the only thing that can totally complete you.
Aug 24, 2009
awwwwwwwww
Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time. Here comes the start of every sleepless night; the first of every tear I'm gonna cry. Here comes the pain, here comes me wishing things would never change and I was right here in your arms tonight, but here comes goodbye.
Aug 21, 2009
psalms 32:1
32:1
Happy is the person whose sins are forgiven, whose wrongs are pardoned. Happy is the person whom the LORD does not consider guilty and in whom there is nothing false.
When I kept things to myself, I felt weak deep inside me. I moaned all day long. Day and night you punished me. My strength was gone as in the summer heat. Then I confessed my sins to you and didn't hide my guilt. I said" I will confess my sins to the LORD". and you forgave my guilt.
For this reason, all who obey you should pray to you while they still can. When troubles rise like a flood, they will not reach them. You are my hiding place. You protect me from my troubles and fill me with songs of salvation.
The LORD says" I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch you and watch over you. So don't be like a horse or donkey, that doesn't understand. They must be led with bits and reigns, or they will not come near you.
Wicked people have many troubles, but the Lord's love surrounds those who trust him. Good people. rejoice and be happy in the LORD. Sing all whose hearts are right.
smooches xoxox
Happy is the person whose sins are forgiven, whose wrongs are pardoned. Happy is the person whom the LORD does not consider guilty and in whom there is nothing false.
When I kept things to myself, I felt weak deep inside me. I moaned all day long. Day and night you punished me. My strength was gone as in the summer heat. Then I confessed my sins to you and didn't hide my guilt. I said" I will confess my sins to the LORD". and you forgave my guilt.
For this reason, all who obey you should pray to you while they still can. When troubles rise like a flood, they will not reach them. You are my hiding place. You protect me from my troubles and fill me with songs of salvation.
The LORD says" I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch you and watch over you. So don't be like a horse or donkey, that doesn't understand. They must be led with bits and reigns, or they will not come near you.
Wicked people have many troubles, but the Lord's love surrounds those who trust him. Good people. rejoice and be happy in the LORD. Sing all whose hearts are right.
smooches xoxox
Aug 20, 2009
talkative & a lil ball of fire, I am!!
So, I’ve been doing some thinking and I’m complied to write, as usual.
I fear that once I get started, I wont be able to stop, since I am super duper talkative and a little ball of fire. God teaches us that we can never get too comfortable in life. He will always throw things at us to keep us on our toes. He brings people into our lives for a reason & they leave for one to. He allows us to get to the point that we trust someone, and then just as we get comfortable, he socks it to us. I guess it is His way of proving to us that we can't live without Him.
I had a little epiphany today, I had the last straw and my body filled with anger and hurt within 5 second and all of a sudden, I completely realized that I don’t need to waste me time on it. I need to focus on what and who is important. Within less than 24 hours I really have thought about things. A LOT!! I can’t believe it took me this long to see it.
Okay, so I guess the reason for this blog is because Matthew and I value in our relationship that we have great communication. And I think that having great communication with the person you’re with as well as anyone else in your life. Everyone would probably agree with me. Super duper! So last time I was in Sacramento, Matthew and I had a serious conversation, well all our conversations are serious; however this one was more. And that’s between us, so I won’t tell you what it was about since it’s private. Mind you this blog is not about Matthew and I, I’m trying to make a point, promise!! Okay maybe I’ll make the point now, or I’ll try!! So sometimes a subject or person always comes up, well because it does, because I’m a woman and if I don’t talk it out with that person it’ll never leave my mind. So mainly, this blog is about communication or at least the point I’m trying to make. Maybe it’s not working out so good- oohh well!! It’s hard because the blog is kind of directed to a person, & they read this blog. Okay maybe not kind of, it is; but she unwillingly doesn’t know it. Until I have enough guts to bring it to her, we won’t go any further. That time will come!!
Well, pin a rose on my nose…I’m babbling and need or try to make a point. And heck I think I forgot my point. Oh yeah, okay am I scared that this person may judge me if I tell them? Or change there thoughts about me or maybe walk away? Am I better off without saying anything? Do I think it won’t or will change if I let it out or think no one is listening? There is always going to be someone there to listen and help you out on every situation.
Okay, okay- I think I’m done babbling and probably didn’t make a point at all, heck, whatever tootles my flute right! I tried to make the point of having good communication because I want and value that and honesty in a relationship with anyone in my life. Blah- blah- blah…..
(Side note: the person I know you read this, I love you and you’re very important to me & I’m sorry about this blog. But I had to get it off my chest. I think we need a day were we can just talk, how about you!! There’s different things we talk about but its hard over text & when we see each other, it’s sometimes hard to ask with everyone around. But I love you and your amazing!! )
I fear that once I get started, I wont be able to stop, since I am super duper talkative and a little ball of fire. God teaches us that we can never get too comfortable in life. He will always throw things at us to keep us on our toes. He brings people into our lives for a reason & they leave for one to. He allows us to get to the point that we trust someone, and then just as we get comfortable, he socks it to us. I guess it is His way of proving to us that we can't live without Him.
I had a little epiphany today, I had the last straw and my body filled with anger and hurt within 5 second and all of a sudden, I completely realized that I don’t need to waste me time on it. I need to focus on what and who is important. Within less than 24 hours I really have thought about things. A LOT!! I can’t believe it took me this long to see it.
Okay, so I guess the reason for this blog is because Matthew and I value in our relationship that we have great communication. And I think that having great communication with the person you’re with as well as anyone else in your life. Everyone would probably agree with me. Super duper! So last time I was in Sacramento, Matthew and I had a serious conversation, well all our conversations are serious; however this one was more. And that’s between us, so I won’t tell you what it was about since it’s private. Mind you this blog is not about Matthew and I, I’m trying to make a point, promise!! Okay maybe I’ll make the point now, or I’ll try!! So sometimes a subject or person always comes up, well because it does, because I’m a woman and if I don’t talk it out with that person it’ll never leave my mind. So mainly, this blog is about communication or at least the point I’m trying to make. Maybe it’s not working out so good- oohh well!! It’s hard because the blog is kind of directed to a person, & they read this blog. Okay maybe not kind of, it is; but she unwillingly doesn’t know it. Until I have enough guts to bring it to her, we won’t go any further. That time will come!!
Well, pin a rose on my nose…I’m babbling and need or try to make a point. And heck I think I forgot my point. Oh yeah, okay am I scared that this person may judge me if I tell them? Or change there thoughts about me or maybe walk away? Am I better off without saying anything? Do I think it won’t or will change if I let it out or think no one is listening? There is always going to be someone there to listen and help you out on every situation.
Okay, okay- I think I’m done babbling and probably didn’t make a point at all, heck, whatever tootles my flute right! I tried to make the point of having good communication because I want and value that and honesty in a relationship with anyone in my life. Blah- blah- blah…..
(Side note: the person I know you read this, I love you and you’re very important to me & I’m sorry about this blog. But I had to get it off my chest. I think we need a day were we can just talk, how about you!! There’s different things we talk about but its hard over text & when we see each other, it’s sometimes hard to ask with everyone around. But I love you and your amazing!! )
unexpected
Life takes unexpected turns in a matter of seconds. Life surprises you with things you'd never thought of seeing, hearing, or believing. Life puts you in situations you'd never thought of being in. One day you’re happy, next day you’re sad; one day you’re alive & next day you’re not (God forbid). You may say that life isn't fair (although it is sometimes true) but God never puts you in situations you can't make it through. Only He knows why he does things, everything is meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. Everything has a purpose in life. If you want to make it far in life- keep your head up, never lose interest in life. Have hope, faith and love; forgive and forget the people that have caused you harm.
Hatred never puts you ahead in life; it takes you many steps back and sucks you into a world of negative thoughts and feelings. When you’re filled with hate it just causes more bad and poor choices. I've learned to forget but not forgive (yet) the people who have done harm. Although the pain is still inside (but never let out) I've learned to suck it up. Always have a smile on my face no matter what. To hide away problems and pain; I still have problems trying to let it all out, that's the hardest part of all- letting go of every pain that has been hidden deep inside.
Love everyone close to you & cherish every moment with them because you never know if it will be the last time seeing them or them seeing you. Appreciate life everyday. Live it as if it was your last.<3
Hatred never puts you ahead in life; it takes you many steps back and sucks you into a world of negative thoughts and feelings. When you’re filled with hate it just causes more bad and poor choices. I've learned to forget but not forgive (yet) the people who have done harm. Although the pain is still inside (but never let out) I've learned to suck it up. Always have a smile on my face no matter what. To hide away problems and pain; I still have problems trying to let it all out, that's the hardest part of all- letting go of every pain that has been hidden deep inside.
Love everyone close to you & cherish every moment with them because you never know if it will be the last time seeing them or them seeing you. Appreciate life everyday. Live it as if it was your last.<3
Aug 14, 2009
please understand!!
These are some things that I would like people to understand. Please understand that being sick does not mean I’m no longer a human being. I have to spend my day in considerable pain & exhaustion and if you visit I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me. I still worry about life, my family and friends and most of the time I’d still like to hear you talk about yours too.
Please understand the difference between happy & healthy. When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I’ve been sick for year. I can’t be miserable all the time, in fact, I work real hard at not being miserable. So if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, its means I’m happy. It doesn’t mean that I’m still not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please, don’t say “oh, you are sounding better! I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. Because will I am truly blessed. I’m blessed with the most amazing people in my life that truly love and care about me.
Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour. Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn’t mean I can do the same today. But I do it and I push myself, because I’m not going to not just live life anymore. With a lot of diseases or disorder one is either paralyzed or they can move. It’s far more confusing: one hour or day or week I may have normal or almost normal mobility; the next hour or day or week I may be unable to sit, stand, walk or even get out of bed. I have good days and bad days, and during those good days I may truly not look sick.
Please understand that making plans other then immediate ones is a crap shoot at best because I can’t know how I will feel or what my physical condition may be. Please don’t think that I’m trying to put you off because I don’t know if I can honor them. 9 times out of 10 I can because I suck it up and do it only because I am a fighter and stubborn and will do it know matter if it kills me. I have to suck it up and I have learned to live with it.
It is quite possible, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or swim 12 laps, or even walk with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without help. Please don’t get annoyed when I can’t do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to my own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what condition I will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so. Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.
Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously, this disease directly impacts muscles and mine do not regenerate as quickly as yours do. Pushing beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse. On the other hand, doing what I can when I can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and I do! If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day. Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month. Everything drains and exhausts me exponentially more than a normal, healthy person my age (whatever age that is); my recovery time is also exponentially greater. If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down. My emotions escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility. I am NOT tired because I am depressed! I am moody and emotional because I am so tired.
When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now! No, I can’t walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up. I am very proud and never want to be a burden. My independence, or what I can retain of it, is of paramount importance to me! Please help by listening to and believing what I say I need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible. You would’t question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don’t question me or urge me to ’keep on... we are almost there!’ Not unless you are prepared to a) carry me the rest of the way or b) call 911. I can not wait, nor does my pain forgive... when I say "please ... now!" it means now.If you want to suggest a cure to me, don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. It’s because I have had almost every single one of my family suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, I would know about it. If you still insist on promoting ’cures’ to me or giving me this will make you better advice, do so; but understand I won’t rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors. I need you as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as possible, and.... as much as it’s possible...
I need you to understand me & not get mad over my emotions!!!
xoxox smooches
Please understand the difference between happy & healthy. When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I’ve been sick for year. I can’t be miserable all the time, in fact, I work real hard at not being miserable. So if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, its means I’m happy. It doesn’t mean that I’m still not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please, don’t say “oh, you are sounding better! I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. Because will I am truly blessed. I’m blessed with the most amazing people in my life that truly love and care about me.
Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour. Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn’t mean I can do the same today. But I do it and I push myself, because I’m not going to not just live life anymore. With a lot of diseases or disorder one is either paralyzed or they can move. It’s far more confusing: one hour or day or week I may have normal or almost normal mobility; the next hour or day or week I may be unable to sit, stand, walk or even get out of bed. I have good days and bad days, and during those good days I may truly not look sick.
Please understand that making plans other then immediate ones is a crap shoot at best because I can’t know how I will feel or what my physical condition may be. Please don’t think that I’m trying to put you off because I don’t know if I can honor them. 9 times out of 10 I can because I suck it up and do it only because I am a fighter and stubborn and will do it know matter if it kills me. I have to suck it up and I have learned to live with it.
It is quite possible, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or swim 12 laps, or even walk with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without help. Please don’t get annoyed when I can’t do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to my own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what condition I will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so. Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.
Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously, this disease directly impacts muscles and mine do not regenerate as quickly as yours do. Pushing beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse. On the other hand, doing what I can when I can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and I do! If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day. Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month. Everything drains and exhausts me exponentially more than a normal, healthy person my age (whatever age that is); my recovery time is also exponentially greater. If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down. My emotions escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility. I am NOT tired because I am depressed! I am moody and emotional because I am so tired.
When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now! No, I can’t walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up. I am very proud and never want to be a burden. My independence, or what I can retain of it, is of paramount importance to me! Please help by listening to and believing what I say I need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible. You would’t question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don’t question me or urge me to ’keep on... we are almost there!’ Not unless you are prepared to a) carry me the rest of the way or b) call 911. I can not wait, nor does my pain forgive... when I say "please ... now!" it means now.If you want to suggest a cure to me, don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. It’s because I have had almost every single one of my family suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, I would know about it. If you still insist on promoting ’cures’ to me or giving me this will make you better advice, do so; but understand I won’t rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors. I need you as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as possible, and.... as much as it’s possible...
I need you to understand me & not get mad over my emotions!!!
xoxox smooches
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