TEACHING ME

It’s time once again for some blog therapy. I have decided to share because of a few different reasons. One I have been in a bit of a reflecting mood and two I recently have been speechless and silent (and if you know me…. that is strange.) It’s during this time I could only muster up enough personal strength to send a S.O.S up to the ALL MIGHTY, praying that He could hear my heart during this time of solitude.

As I sit here thinking of all the things in life that I hold dear. I realize how blessed I am. Well, I’m always known that I’m been truly blessed, I’ve been blessed in more ways then I can count. I have an amazing family, an amazing boyfriend, his family is amazing and true friends that are my back bone. I’ve always heard you are only as good as your people are. How true this statement is in so many ways. The people in my life are amazing and I love them all so much.

As I type these words, I’m thinking about what God has been teaching me. I feel like He has been working on me, nudging me forward. Part of moving forward is always letting go of what has held us back and it’s never less then a battle. There are days in life when we are forced to come face to face with what binds us.

You know how when a little voice whispers to you about 3 seconds after you give someone great advice that you yourself have been completely failing to follow? I have had some really great advice from some people I really care about. You know who you are. Your words have not fallen on deaf ears. Thanks for all of your love and support. So I woke up this morning with a different perspective on things. I feel God had heard my heart crying. He has showed me something’s today and the fog is starting to clear. Suddenly, everything everyone has been telling me makes sense. Although it always has, I now see it in a different perspective. New light cast upon the same thing can really change the way you see it. I feel God has given me that new light.

I’m sick and my moods can change drastically in a second. I have no patience’s and I’m stubborn and I want it to all go away now. I don’t want to wait; I want it done on my terms and not anyone else’s. I know it makes me seem selfish or ungrateful of the people whom are trying to help take care of me and be there. But I’m at that point where I’m sick of being sick and I’m tired. It hurts Matthew, when I say that and want to give up. Which in turn; breaks my heart into pieces because, he is hurting. I never want to hurt him or the people I love. I kind of realized things more when yesterday Matthew made a comment to me about something I had just said. My mood changed in seconds. I was shocked at what he said, he felt bad, we both cried, he apologized; that was the end. So I thought…nope!! I didn’t even talk to anyone yesterday. I did a lot of thinking and searching. He knows why it upset me. But then I realize I didn’t need to be upset. God has given me a new perspective on things.


With brings me to where I am. I have been building new relationships which everyone knows and it makes me happy. I’m happy…. not just okay happy…or it could be better happy …but really happy. Any happier and I’d gain altitude. And everyone knows why and who makes me happy. It’s Matthew. I maybe sick but nothing is going to stop me or bring me down. I’m a fighter.

But no one knows what the future holds for anyone. There is a forward button, it’s just not a fast forward button...it’s a one day at a time button. We all want to know what our future holds and who or who wont be in our future. I for one can say it does scare me at times not knowing but I have my faith and know God has my journey set in His hands. I have great amazing people in my life which I am truly blessed and grateful for. And I know whole heartedly who is going to be in my future and life forever. I’m strong and a fighter and It doesn't get any better than this…happiness…maybe that's my own little piece of perfect right here on earth.

P.s. I thought I would share this with…


First off, I think we clicked from day one. And I've never felt more comfortable around any boy right off the bat, except for him. He’s been there through thick and thin. We have this deep strong connection that neither of us has ever felt. I can tell him anything, whether it be about life, relationships, love, beliefs, and anything else are crazy minds could come up with, he’s always right there to listen. And I love that about him. He has got to be the only person I trust with my whole heart; and every thought in my head. We talk about everything with one another, and I know nothing I say will get out to anyone else and he knows the same.
He is absolutely amazing and has an amazing personality and heart. There is so much I could say but there wouldn't be enough words in the vocabulary to sum up how important he is to me. He has the best part of me, my heart. I love that he challenge’s me. He also make’s me smile and it's not just a regular smile either. It's the kind of radiant smile you get when you’re smitten. And it doesn't matter that we live a bit far away because at the end of the day we both know how we feel and know where our hearts lay. And that's the best feeling in the world.
He knows when I'm down even when I don't tell him, he just knows by the sound of my voice or my face or the way I text. It’s the strong connection we have. My family says, we both glow in each others presence and that connection is strong. He always has the capability to make me laugh when I'm super upset. I love being completely nuts with him and all our inside jokes (miss your face). I find it crazy that I never let anyone besides my mother go to the doctor or hospital with me but I let him. I’ve had a few complete crying melt downs and he’s been there to hold me in his arms, kiss my forehead and tell me I’m safe and its’ okay. Or I don’t even have to say a word to him, we can look at each other and we both just know. I love how my fingers fit perfectly between his. I love how he calls me by his names for me, and his cute smile. When he kisses my foreword when I’m sick and when he comes up behind me & puts his arm around me and kisses my head. I love how we can cuddle on the couch, I can listen to his heart beat or he can read to me. I love the way his voice sounds when he's really sleepy. I love how he puts me before anything else and take's care of me when I let him. I love how our personalities are similar, so we get each other. I love how I fit perfectly in his arms and he gives me a sense of being safe. And he never fails to tell me I’m always safe with him & how many I mean to him. & I love the way his kisses send electricity all the way down to my toes, and how just looking at him puts guppies & flutterbies in my tummy. And I even love when he tickles me, even though I always move away from him. He is just absolutely perfect in every way & he’s the other half.


Tons of love everyone, Me!!