random thoughts for the umpteenth time

Analyzing is what I do. It's as much a part of me as the color of my eyes, the sound of my voice, the way I walk. It's me, a defining part.

The problem is, it can be a blessing as much as a curse. Over-analyzing can be so, so painful. You find yourself believing the "what ifs" without proof. Without the confirmation beyond your own thoughts and without the verification you need. I argue so much with my head and my heart. Or, well really, it's my head arguing with my heart. I always follow my heart.

Lately, both head and heart have been keeping me awake; that said, I contradict myself.
And here brings the annoying cliché, "Everything happens for a reason." I use it so much to justify or deal with things that are happening.

So many times I've felt like only heartache happens in my life. Cynicism creeps its eerie way back into my brain and nothing seems right. Nothing goes right.I'm young. And I don't know the outcome. I don't think I want to. So many want to know the future, want to know what will happen a year from now. Want to know where they'll be, who they'll be with, what they'll be doing. But, I feel, if we knew the future, we'd only do everything in our power to change it. So then, would the future really be the future? Who knows!

The heartache’s in my life. Maybe they're the best things to ever happen to me.

When I was 10 years old, and my grandpa & daddy died within 2 months of each other; I thought my family was going to crash. My grandpa held the glue to our family. But we all survived and became stronger. When my daddy died, I thought my world was over. It’s been 14 years now and that’s one thing I have never fully dealt with. I mean last year when my uncle died was the second time I’ve been to the cemetery (both times for funerals). My Brother’s were talking and knew I was having a hard time because I refuse to step foot near the cemetery. I mean my brother Chuck lives like what a block from the cemetery & every time I drive past it, I swear I have a break down. I think Matthew things I’m nutty, He’ll drive past it and I get silent & my mood changes. But he knows why and kind of understands. But my brothers said we should go there with my mom and put flowers his grave after the funeral. So the day of the funeral my mom & I went all over town to by red roses.
So… I was going to take the steps and go to the grave. I was completely kidding myself if was going to go… Heck no!! I did. My mom, myself and my four brothers went. I lasted about 3 seconds and lost it. But I find myself wanting to go back for some reason, don’t ask me why!! Matthew said he’d go with me. So we will see.

And then there’s now, loss my child & being sick! Okay the being sick happened in 2007. But I thought is was over until last year when things started acting out & I find myself sicker and sicker.
But losing my child, wow that’s a hit in the heart if I ever seen!! I would never wish that on anyone, EVER!!! It’s a pain you can’t even imagine. I found myself thinking about it more due to the fact my selfish niece as no regard for human life whatsoever and completely stupid. How she is a mother to my beautiful nephew is beyond me! I know that’s mean! So I thought, oh gosh!! What did I do to deserve that? Why is God punishing me? He wasn’t. It’s that whole annoying cliché, "Everything happens for a reason." I’ll never know why it happened, but God knows why it did! I’m strong in my faith and know that it was truly meant for reason that I’ll never know why? I wasn’t ready to be a mommy, or some foreseen thing could have happened. One day, it’ll be the right time. I know for a fact!!

It’s so odd and ironic that something so terrible can bring on something so wonderful. I mean I reconnected with Matthew during that time. God had us reconnect for a reason. Neither of us knew what the reason was. But look at us now! Things are amazing and he is amazing. He’s the best things to happen since finding out I was going to be a mommy! “Everything happens for a reason”!
Heartbreak; its there and it happens. A part of life; so they say. I wonder; so many people I know have been brokenhearted. The world seemed to conspire against them. They say, "Everything is wrong in my life!" They shout curses. Scream incoherent profanities to the heavens (to no one in particular). Their pain, their sadness, a black hole; is pulling them deeper and deeper. Time goes on. And, they heal.

As I sit here thinking of all the things in life that I hold dear. I realize how blessed I am. How blessed I’ve always been. I have a family that loves me and friends that are my back bone. I've always heard you are only as good as your people are. How true this statement is in so many ways. When you feel lost to the world and can't find the words to even send up a simple prayer; I think it's in that moment GOD hears your heart. I'm so grateful for that. I recently have been speechless and silent (and if you know me... that is STRANGE). It's during this time I could only muster up enough personal strength to send a S.O.S up to the ALL MIGHTY, praying that he could hear my heart during this time of solitude. Our God is a faithful God and he wouldn’t put us through anything we couldn’t handle.

I know in confidence that love is all I'll ever need from God, my family and those I hold dear. I will go to my grave knowing that love is the "golden ticket". It's the only thing that can totally complete you.