So... amongst the other things going on in my life, I've come face to face with some big ugly
truths that are somewhat hard to swallow. So for those of you who read my blog,my blog is my outlet for all my "blah-ness" and my "yippee-skippy-golly-gee-whiz-super duperness" to come through.remember my blog isn't my life..its my tool.
Lately I've been thinking about timing. Timing of birth, of death,life and this time in our lives now, where we are and where we will be. I think a lot of things determine how someone grieves, from personality, relationship to the deceased, social supports you have, and previous experience with loss. But the one thing I think that defines it all is timing. This is particularly important I think when the person you lose is your child. I sometimes wonder if this process would be easier, maybe I wouldn't feel like I was so cheated out of so many things , maybe I wouldn't hurt as bad. But then I realized that it's just not true. The loss of a child at any age brings different circumstances, but the pain of that loss is the same.
truths that are somewhat hard to swallow. So for those of you who read my blog,my blog is my outlet for all my "blah-ness" and my "yippee-skippy-golly-gee-whiz-super duperness" to come through.remember my blog isn't my life..its my tool.
Lately I've been thinking about timing. Timing of birth, of death,life and this time in our lives now, where we are and where we will be. I think a lot of things determine how someone grieves, from personality, relationship to the deceased, social supports you have, and previous experience with loss. But the one thing I think that defines it all is timing. This is particularly important I think when the person you lose is your child. I sometimes wonder if this process would be easier, maybe I wouldn't feel like I was so cheated out of so many things , maybe I wouldn't hurt as bad. But then I realized that it's just not true. The loss of a child at any age brings different circumstances, but the pain of that loss is the same.
I've been soo sad and angry lately.Angry for him not being there,angry at God for taking my
baby, angry at people who take their loved ones for granted, angry at anyone who has what I wanted to have. It's not rational anger, and its misdirected i know, but i cant help it. I guess during times like this you either come together, or push people away.
I swear Matthew is getting so frustrated with me & I'm annoying him. I mean we have this great connection, we know each other so well & know what the other is going to say. We are one person sometimes,seriously we could be. But HE knows something is wrong and upsetting me.He knows me too well(its crazy how well he knows me).I haven't slept in like what 4-5 days and everything anyone says to be i take offense to.Matthew told me late night, "Ladybug, i don't like seeing you upset & crying yourself to sleep. it upsets me to see you hurting.its not about me, but your important to me & i want to be there. tell me whats wrong and we can talk about it and work it out together & if not with me,talk with mom(his) maybe she can help". Yeah, see why this guy has my heart & i love him to pieces, you would too!! My mama thinks Matthew and I were fighting but then she realized whats up. Matthew tells his mama, He'll never understand girls,i laugh.
But I cant be this happy,strong person that people want me to be somethings. I have a heart, and its in a million pieces right now.It all started when my cousin had to have test because her and her husband our moving to Germany(military).She found out more babies aren't
possible.then my selfish niece aborting hers,makes me sick. And even though life goes on, for
me its standing still right now. Everyday is that date!
Explaining grief is so hard, because it's not just about missing the person you lost. When a
loved one dies, and especially a child, you find yourself questioning every thing in your life,
and you play that day in your head over and over again, wishing you could change one little
detail that might possibly change the outcome. Why my baby? Why me? why couldn't i do anything? is there something I should have known,should have seen,should have done? if God gave me this special gift,why'd he change his mind? How am I ever suppose to forget that afternoon, the last memory I have? How can I get up every morning and not let the whole in my heart break me down? I don't know how I've gotten through it for this long.You feel so helpless, so hopeless, like just giving up. All of your hopes and dreams for your child are gone, and you never get to know the person they would have grown up to be. Life is forever changed. Your no longer are a person blissfully unaware of death, it is always on your mind. You live in constant fear of what else can be taken away from you.....
I have realized, only very recently, that holding onto the pain of loss, it wont change what happened.Every time I hear a baby, I think. Last night Matthew & I were looking though pictures of his new cousin Cody,I tired "OH so hard" to not show him my tears( he didn't see them). Every time I'm in Sac, I'm like mush when I'm around my nephew Nozmo.Matthew jokes with me" He(Nozmo) is his competition". It's cute when he says it, he laughs, I laugh. I see Him watching me when I'm interacting with my nephew.My "mommy" instinct kicks in and when Alisha(his mommy) is busy, it's auntie to his side. Matthew just watches me and gets a kick out of it. He's mentions it comes to his mind now and again when I'm with Nozmo, why I act like I do. He makes me laugh when he ask me how I know what to do. It's the 'mommy-ness". And its so adorable. Nozmo just stares at Matthew the moments he walks in the door.I'll sit next to Matthew with Nozmo is my arms. Nozmo stares at Him and pulls at his shirt,his hands and phone. He hold Matthew's fingers an wont let go. Matthew is "Uncle Matthew" now. I told him he is getting practice in for when Sarah & Andrew have munchkins and when He has munchkins (LOL). He'll be a pro, he has already been christened with babieness, thanks to Nozmo.
I've learned letting go does not mean forgetting. It means finding meaning. After losing a child, it is extremely hard to do.I ask you to ask yourself, how would you deal with the loss of a baby, or of one of your children? How would your significant other handle it? What would you learn about yourself?
I don't want pity, just understanding. And I am so blessed to have amazing friends and family who have been so supportive,and most importantly God.My faith in God is stronger then ever, I know He is a faithful God & wouldn't put us through anything we couldn't handle.And I simply choose to believe in God's grace.
So, from now on, through all the bumps and bends in the road, it will be my goal to start to let go of the pain. I know there will be many moments that will test my optimism, but, I must make that first step.
smooches, xoxo
(ps. all the emotions & why I wrote this, it'll be one year in a few weeks)
baby, angry at people who take their loved ones for granted, angry at anyone who has what I wanted to have. It's not rational anger, and its misdirected i know, but i cant help it. I guess during times like this you either come together, or push people away.
I swear Matthew is getting so frustrated with me & I'm annoying him. I mean we have this great connection, we know each other so well & know what the other is going to say. We are one person sometimes,seriously we could be. But HE knows something is wrong and upsetting me.He knows me too well(its crazy how well he knows me).I haven't slept in like what 4-5 days and everything anyone says to be i take offense to.Matthew told me late night, "Ladybug, i don't like seeing you upset & crying yourself to sleep. it upsets me to see you hurting.its not about me, but your important to me & i want to be there. tell me whats wrong and we can talk about it and work it out together & if not with me,talk with mom(his) maybe she can help". Yeah, see why this guy has my heart & i love him to pieces, you would too!! My mama thinks Matthew and I were fighting but then she realized whats up. Matthew tells his mama, He'll never understand girls,i laugh.
But I cant be this happy,strong person that people want me to be somethings. I have a heart, and its in a million pieces right now.It all started when my cousin had to have test because her and her husband our moving to Germany(military).She found out more babies aren't
possible.then my selfish niece aborting hers,makes me sick. And even though life goes on, for
me its standing still right now. Everyday is that date!
Explaining grief is so hard, because it's not just about missing the person you lost. When a
loved one dies, and especially a child, you find yourself questioning every thing in your life,
and you play that day in your head over and over again, wishing you could change one little
detail that might possibly change the outcome. Why my baby? Why me? why couldn't i do anything? is there something I should have known,should have seen,should have done? if God gave me this special gift,why'd he change his mind? How am I ever suppose to forget that afternoon, the last memory I have? How can I get up every morning and not let the whole in my heart break me down? I don't know how I've gotten through it for this long.You feel so helpless, so hopeless, like just giving up. All of your hopes and dreams for your child are gone, and you never get to know the person they would have grown up to be. Life is forever changed. Your no longer are a person blissfully unaware of death, it is always on your mind. You live in constant fear of what else can be taken away from you.....
I have realized, only very recently, that holding onto the pain of loss, it wont change what happened.Every time I hear a baby, I think. Last night Matthew & I were looking though pictures of his new cousin Cody,I tired "OH so hard" to not show him my tears( he didn't see them). Every time I'm in Sac, I'm like mush when I'm around my nephew Nozmo.Matthew jokes with me" He(Nozmo) is his competition". It's cute when he says it, he laughs, I laugh. I see Him watching me when I'm interacting with my nephew.My "mommy" instinct kicks in and when Alisha(his mommy) is busy, it's auntie to his side. Matthew just watches me and gets a kick out of it. He's mentions it comes to his mind now and again when I'm with Nozmo, why I act like I do. He makes me laugh when he ask me how I know what to do. It's the 'mommy-ness". And its so adorable. Nozmo just stares at Matthew the moments he walks in the door.I'll sit next to Matthew with Nozmo is my arms. Nozmo stares at Him and pulls at his shirt,his hands and phone. He hold Matthew's fingers an wont let go. Matthew is "Uncle Matthew" now. I told him he is getting practice in for when Sarah & Andrew have munchkins and when He has munchkins (LOL). He'll be a pro, he has already been christened with babieness, thanks to Nozmo.
I've learned letting go does not mean forgetting. It means finding meaning. After losing a child, it is extremely hard to do.I ask you to ask yourself, how would you deal with the loss of a baby, or of one of your children? How would your significant other handle it? What would you learn about yourself?
I don't want pity, just understanding. And I am so blessed to have amazing friends and family who have been so supportive,and most importantly God.My faith in God is stronger then ever, I know He is a faithful God & wouldn't put us through anything we couldn't handle.And I simply choose to believe in God's grace.
So, from now on, through all the bumps and bends in the road, it will be my goal to start to let go of the pain. I know there will be many moments that will test my optimism, but, I must make that first step.
smooches, xoxo
(ps. all the emotions & why I wrote this, it'll be one year in a few weeks)
No comments:
Post a Comment